I'm the first person to admit that I am not the world's greatest driver. The formula one people are not knocking down my door to sign me to an obscenely lucrative contract. I have run up my share of kerbs while trying to parallel park and I stalled so much when I learned to drive a standard that I got frustrated and gave up altogether. However, I am reasonably sure that I, and the vast majority of us, know the rules of the road and apply them, as well as the rules of courtesy, regularly. This gentle reminder is for those who do not.
1. The lane on the left is for passing, hence its name The Passing Lane. It is not for cruising along absently. It is not a feeder lane for the left hand turn you intend to make fourteen blocks henceforth. It is not there to alleviate the boredom of always driving in the right hand lane. It is for passing. Once you have finished passing, please move over to the right hand side and feel free to cruise along absently. The rest of us will use the left lane to pass you.
2. And on the eighth day, God created turn signals. Enough said.
3. You, in all likelihood, were born with two hands. One is clearly on your mobile phone. The other is wrapped around your coffee cup. What, in the name of hell, are you steering with?
4. Weaving is for qualified basket makers. In the city, in the heat of rush hour traffic, the only place you are going to get to ahead of me by repeatedly changing lanes is the next red light. And you might just endanger other drivers, not to mention yourself, in the process. Relax. Turn on the radio, listen to the morning drivel and enjoy the fact that the traffic is making you ten minutes late for work, a place you probably don't really want to go to anyway. Tell your boss there was a bottleneck holding things up. He'll understand. It happens.
5. While we all enjoy a little music while we drive, we don't need to hear each other's. Here's a good tip: if the car is visibly vibrating and drivers around you are clutching their chests and covering their ears, your music is likely too loud. Apart from the fact that you are a nuisance to everyone, you will go deaf. Period. For all our sakes turn it down, even just a little.
6. You cannot effectively discipline your rambunctious brat, in bumper to bumper traffic, by giving him the evil eye via the rear view mirror and swatting him with a road map, and still stay focused on the road. Pull over. Admonish/ scold/ threaten the offending waif to within an inch of his life, then resume the commute. My unblemished bumper thanks you.
7. Cyclists...you cannot demand equality on the road if you are not willing to comply with the rules. We all understand that you have every right to be on the road too, and you are just as important as motorists are, but if you want to be entitled to the privileges you must also accept the responsibilities. Therefore, hand signals are not elective. You must use them. If you don't you have no right to complain that a motorist got in your way when you didn't bother to tell him where you were going. Also, stop signs and red lights apply to you too. And it is probably worth the few bucks investment to buy a head light and a tail light, for your safety, of course.
8. Just because your fancy car cost more than my house does not mean you own the road. You just own a fancy car that cost more than my house. Now get over into your lane so I can pass you. Thanks.
9. DON'T F*ING TXT MSG WHILE DRVNG. IT'S DNGEROUS, **SHOLE!!
10. If it says 'No Parking', it means you can't park there. If it meant 'You can stop here with your hazard lights on and/or motor running for five minutes while you just nip into Starbuck's for a quick coffee' it would say 'Pretentious Prat Parking - five minute time limit' or 'Starbuck's Drive Thru'.
11. And finally...ladies, there is not enough time, at a red light, to rummage through your purse looking for lipstick or eyeliner. The 422nd law of the universe clearly states that items lurking in the depths of a woman's handbag can only be retrieved when needed by removing every single item one by one. The required item will always be found last. As soon as the item is no longer immediately required, it will leap into the hand of the woman every time she reaches into her bag. That's just the way it is. Even if you could find a lipstick before the light turned green, if the person you want to see you with full, pouty, hyperglossed, kissable lips is in the car with you, they've already seen you without it so the lipstick can wait. If they are not in the car with you, you can take a minute when you get where you are going to touch up your face. The person in the car next to you doesn't care whether you have on lippy or not. They're too focused on the road.
Hopefully this clarifies a few things. Happy Driving!
Note: Thank you to Lane for the Rockin' Girl Blogger Award. I've never been awarded anything before.
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15 comments:
Gosh, how the Highway Code has changed since I learnt to drive.
Crystal xx
Ha - love it.
Must admit to glossing up lips at traffic lights though. Shame on me:-)
Hell-Cat, I find some of these particularily funny because I have of course been in the car with you on a handful of occasions. For instance, you are so commited to rule # 2 that you never actually turn it off, and I don't even have to say anything about #5.
While we're on the topic of annoying things people do in their cars, can you PLEASE blog about that time you locked yourself out of the car?!?!?! I know you know which time I'm talking about. >:)
P.S. you misspelled 'kerbs'
Helen,
My response to your meme tag is up on women of mystery.
Terrie
Are those who managed to lock themselves out of their cars at Tim Horton's drive-thrus violators as well??
Correction: IN Tim Horton's drive thrus.... while simultaneously violating rule #5.
Jenitals - According to the Oxford Paperback Dictionary (2000), a kerb is a stone edging or pavement to a raised path. Curb, on the other hand, means (1)Something that restrains ie. put a curb on spending or (2)a chain or strap passing under an horse's lower jaw, used to restrain it. Nice try though. Encouraging to see that you are paying attention to the details, even if they are the wrong details. And, by the way, committed has 2 t's.
To Krispy, seeing as the topic is Rules of the Road, and a drive thru lane can't truly be considered a 'road', the Tim's story is hardly relevant at this time. Important to note though, that when the fateful incident occurred, I began taking coffee orders for other motorists stranded in the line. It is all about showing simple courtesy to other motorists, after all.
And just for the record, yes my music was slightly louder than most people's, but since the car was not vibrating and the CAA guy didn't notice it until he opened the door, it was hardly a violation of rule #5. Also, allowances can be made for people with specific challenges. I would think that being functionally deaf without a hearing aid would qualify.
Thanks for your comments :)
Mighty fine driving tips there.
By the way I finally got around to posting my response to your meme tag.
Helen I only learnt to drive two years ago, in my mid 30s! However I can reverse into parking spaces easily. What's a dent here and there between owner and car?
p.s glad you picked up a copy of River Deep, it's my third novel(a few years ago now!) and I must say I have a soft spot for it.
And there I was thinking that it was just the drivers in my country and in Miami who need refreshers...
Thanks for dropping by my blog, Heather. Come by anytime!
It's easy to get the Rockin' Blogger Award image on to your blog. Here goes:
1. Right click on the image on Lane's blog and save it to your My Pictures folder.
2. Go back to your blog, make sure you're signed in, and click 'Customize' on the blue bar at the top.
3. When the page 'Add and Arrange Page Elements' comes up, click on 'Add a Page Element' on the right. A new window will pop up with options. Go to the option that says 'Picture' and click 'Add to Blog'.
4. When the display changes to 'Configure Image', give your image a title, and a caption if you like.
5. Since you saved the image to your computer, click 'Image: From Your Computer' option.
6. Click 'Browse' and find the location of the image on your computer; double click it and when it the 'Browse' window closes, click 'Save Changes' on the 'Configure Image' window. The window should close automatically once this is done.
7. Back on the 'Add and Arrange Page Elements' page, drag the new page element to wherever you like in the right column.
8. Click 'View Blog' in the tabs at the top of the page and - there you have it. If you want to change the title or location of the image, repeat step 2, click 'Edit' on the appropriate page element, make your changes and save them.
Hope this helps. It's actually a lot easier than all these steps make it seem.
Made me laugh especially as all of the above 'laws' definitely don't apply here- its a bl@@@dy free for all! My children laugh at i curse the dip it drivers about me :-)
Useful advice.
One other note on cell phones: when the one in your briefcase/purse in the back seat starts ringing, pull over before you rumage blindly -- or worse, turn around in your seat and look -- for it. (Remember when you first heard of cell phones and couldn't imagine why anyone would want to be tied down everywhere they went? No? Well, you're young. When I first heard of cell phones they required a shoulder bag to carry the batteries.)
Oh, and kerb/curb depends on side of the pond, as well. As in there ain't no kerbs in the USofA.
hi Helen
I can't see an email on your profile page. Let me know what it is (my email contact is on my profile page) and I'll add you to the kick up the backside blog:-)
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