Happy Spook Night!

One more sleep until Hallowe'en, that night when the darling little goblins don their ill-fitting, cheaply-made costumes and descend on us in droves, begging for food. It's the night that still-bald, six-toothed toddlers dressed in furry pyjamas with ears, their little button noses dabbed with black grease paint, the apples of their cheeks rubbed with mummy's red lipstick, get carried from door to door because they are too pooped to walk. They don't care about tricks or treats, but mummy and daddy saw the costume and decided that Hallowe'en would be the perfect excuse to dress their little pumpkin up cute and parade him, shamelessly, before the neighbours. It's the night that windows get egged. Not all of them, of course. Just the darkened windows of the curmudgeons who either pretend to be out so they don't have to participate or give out the crap candy. Old Bag Brown's windows got egged every year when I was a kid, although not by me, of course. Never egged a window in my life. Incidentally, Old Bag Brown was probably younger then than I am now, but she seemed ancient at the time.

Then there was Pam's mum, who spent the week leading up to the big event making pan after pan of chocolate fudge, cutting it into perfect squares, wrapping it in parchment and plastic wrap and tying it up in orange grosgrain ribbon. We used to go to her house twice. It was bloody great fudge! It was the only homemade treat we were allowed to eat because everyone knew Pam's mum, although come to think, none of us knew her name. She was just Pam's mum or the fudge lady.

I remember getting home, exhausted from hitting every house in a ten mile radius, dumping my pillow case and separating it into piles. Chips, chocolate bars, Tootsie Rolls, Rockets and Pam's mother's fudge were the cream of the crop. Then there was gum and other chewy things - jellies, BB Bats, MoJos. Finally there was the shit that got thrown away due to safety concerns or inedibility - apples, peanuts, other people's mother's fudge, unwrapped things, gooey things and those vile candy kisses.

By my estimate, and I think you'll agree I'm being conservative, each year candy companies produce roughly five billion metric tonnes of molasses-flavoured candy kisses and ship them all over Canada and the US, if not the world. Of those five billion tonnes, roughly three and a half pounds are actually consumed by freakish weirdos who, for whatever twisted reason, like the taste of them. That means that, annually, slightly less than five billion metric tonnes of the putrid confections go directly to landfills. I wonder if Al Gore knows about this. Then again, given the recent allegations that his home's energy consumption is thirty times the national average, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he gives them out. Perhaps he should start giving out chips, chocolate bars, Tootsie rolls and Rockets. Those are the things kids actually eat. Or better yet, maybe he and the missus should get into the kitchen, make fudge, wrap it in parchment and tie it with pretty, orange grosgrain ribbon. The amount of rejected candy going to landfills would be significantly reduced. The grosgrain ribbon can be reused. The paper can be recycled and everyone's happy. Not to mention the water and detergent usage to scrub the diamond-hard egg residue from the windows will be avoided altogether.

Tomorrow evening, lovely sister-in-law will answer the door to the goblins while brother and I follow Perfect Niece and Perfect Nephy-Poo around the neighbourhood while they, looking ever-so-cute in their outfits, ask the neighbours for goodies. And we will see the babies dressed as honeybees and bunny rabbits, sleeping on their father's shoulders, their pudgy little hands still clutching the handles of their orange plastic pumpkins. And when we've said hello to everyone on the street and gushed over the costumes of other people's children, we'll go home and dump the goody bags and separate the contents into piles. We'll sneak a treat while the kids' heads are turned and it will all be over for another year. Here's hoping you all have that much fun on Spook Night too!